HILLBILLY SKETCH Scene starts on the porch (stage right right or something). It is hot as hell outside. You can hear the sound of flies quietly. Pa is sitting in his rocking chair. Clive, Pa's son, is widdling. Huck, Clive's friend, is playing banjo. Grandma is humming while hanging laundry to dry. Bobby-Joe and Jeremiah sitting on chairs chewing on grass and playing shoot the squirrel. Jasper is another character there. Pa: Dang! It's hotter out here than two goats in a pepper patch. Clive: 'Tell ya whut. Pa: Mmmhmm. Bobby-Joe: Hey, I Think ah see one. Jeremiah shoots into the distance. He then leans back into his chair. Jeremiah: Nope. Bobby-Joe: I seen one you jus' too dumb to hit it. Jeremiah: You said I maybe whut? Bobby-Joe: I say you dumb as a cob Jeremiah, (slower) dumb as a dried cob o' corn. Bobby-Joe takes gun from Jeremiah. Enter Marlene, coming from inside house. Huck, noticing Marlene has entered, stops playing banjo. Marlene: (in a really nice tone) Hey y'all, want some sweet tea? I been fixin up a real good batch. Everbody is dead silent and looks annoyed at her presence. Jasper is so annoyed, he storms away into the house. Marlene: (kind of hurt) o-ok, well let me know. Marlene leaves stage, into house. Bobby-Joe: Man, that Marlene is sorrier than a two dollar watch. Huck: (in quasi defense of Marlene): Well, the way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. Clive: But Huck, I want raindow all the time, can't we just get rid of her? Clive continues to widdle wood. Pa is rocking in chair. Someone wearing a pig costume runs across the stage, squealing. Nobody pays much attention, but Huck notices dissmissively. Clive calmly turns to Pa. Clive: Hey Pa, I can't tell if I'm sweatin' or ah shit mah knickers. Pa: That's funny. I can tell. Bobby-Joe shoots and kills a squirrel. Bobby-Joe: Anyone fixin' fer a snack? Pa: Wut kinda snack? The kind Clive's been bakin' in his over-alls? Sheriff runs onstage, out of breath. Sheriff: Boy, I am plumb puckered out. Clive: What's a matter Sheriff? Sheriff: Been chasin farmer Ted's greased pig. Ya'll seen it recent? Silence, people look at each other confused. Huck: I maybe seen yur pig. Sheriff: Well butter my biscuit. Jeremiah: You said I maybe who? Bobby-Joe looks at Jeremiah's head and feels it a bit, and then turns to the Sheriff. Bobby-Joe: Sorry Sheriff. Ain't much meat on that bone. Marlene enters reconstituted. Everyone stops what they're doing. The banjo cuts again. Marlene: (very wordy) hey ya'll, I made sweet apple pie fur ya'll. anyone fur apple pie? Sweet apple pie, hot and ready made fur ya'll at yur likin. Fresh as a blueberry pie, I do declare. Made it fer y'all, anybody want some apple pie? I made apple pie, anyone -- Marlene is interrupted by Pa. Pa: Hey Marlene. Marlene: You want some apple pie? Pa: (stern) Shut up. Marlene is devastated. The silence is very thick. Bobby-Joe: Hey, Marlene! Marlene gets a swell of confidence. Marlene: Bobby-Joe, care to try some of mah fresh apple p-- Bobby-Joe: (interrupting Marlene) You know. (pause) You know yur so ugly you'd scare a dog off a meat wagon. Everyone on stage nods subtly. Grandma: Mmmhmm. Dog off a meat wagon. Marlene, crushed once again, heads back into the house. Everybody resumes their activities. Pa turns to Clive. Pa: Hey Clive, you hear somethin'? Clive: Well. Well, no Pa, not right now. Pa pauses. Then shows a huge grin. Pa: That's right. Sheriff: Why ya'll give Marlene such a hard time? Don't ya know life is much simpler when ya just plow around the stumps. Jeremiah takes the gun from Bobby-Joe, and shoots into the distance. Jeremiah: (very excited) Hey! I got one! Jeremiah points in the direction he shot. Bobby-Joe is disgruntled with his head in his hands. Bobby-Joe: Jeremiah, you miss'd! Jeremiah: But it's not movin'. Bobby-Joe: I already hit that one. You couldn't even hit the dead one. Grandma pauses from hanging laundry, and turns to face the audience. Grandma: (shaking her head) Cob 'o corn. Sheriff: Well ah reckin' it's hotter 'den two cows in a pepper patch. Pa is confused. He pauses and looks at the sheriff. Pa: Whu'd you say? Sheriff: Ah said it's hotter 'den two goats in a pepper patch. Pa: No, you said cows. That don't make no sense. Huck: Yip you said cows. Sheriff: (apologetic) Sorry fellas I been busier 'den a stump-tailed cow in fly time. Been all 'round Caldwell County lookin' fer that greased pig. Jasper busts out of the house intensely. Everything stops. No banjo, grandma stops hanging laundry. Pa stops rocking. Fly sounds stop. Jasper: Hey! Marlene had another baby!! Pause. everyone blank faced. Pa: (real matter of fact) We still gettin tea? Jeremiah: (sounding offended) You said I maybe wut? Someone in audience: (loudly) He said he maybe kick yur ass! House lights fade. Spotlight on Huck. Huck: (in a calm tone) And that's when thins got outa hand. House lights cut on. Fast banjo song plays. Everyone starts brawling. Chaos. Pig returns Sheriff: (super escited) It's the pig! Everyone stops fighting and stares at the pig. The pig pauses, stares back at everyone. Then the pig takes off running around the stage. Everyone chases her. Banjo music still blazing. Ho Ling makes a run for the side of the stage where the house entrance is. Right when she gets off stage, David Kutasov fucking knocks the house set over and blasts his way onto the stage. Clive: Holy Jesus son of Man Marry of Magdalin, our father in Heaven Hollowed be thy name!!!!! MARLENE IS DAVID KUTASOV!! David Kutasov unloads a clip into Jasper. Jasper: (while being shot by Kutasov) (in shear terror and despiration) But I Saw You Have a Baby! Kutasov reloads his guns. Bobby-Joe to Jeremiah (while Kutasov is reloading): I think I just joined the club. Jeremiah: Whut club? Bobby-Joe to Jeremiah: The Clive shit his pants club! Kutasov Kills everyone and scene fades out. (MUST BE AD-HOC) Narrator comes on and introduces modern art & faster version of sketch. Cast in trash bags, and ridiculous things performs skit again, making fun of modern art. Possibly no dialogue, just weird miming or something.