9. Top 10 media protection schemes
Excited about the new Michael Jackson single? Hope you're not planning
to rip some MP3s and share them with your buddies. The Gloved One's new
"You Rock My World" single ( zdnet.com/zdnn/stories/news/0,4586,2814555,00.html?chkp
t=zdnn_nbs_hl ) won't play on your computer. Although this action has
many digital music fans howling, we understand why artists want to keep
people from duplicating their work without permission. And, in our usual
helpful fashion, we've come up with a few suggestions to help our
favorite celebrities do the job right. Check out these scenarios.

10. All That Glitters--Not to be outdone, superdiva Mariah Carey
won't let her new CD play on a PC either. Try it, and your
computer suffers a complete breakdown.

9. Should You Choose to Copy It...--Tom Cruise's "MI 2" DVD will
self-destruct in 10...9...8...   

8. And Justice For All--Any attempt to share Metallica MP3s over
the Internet immediately transmits an encrypted message to the
DOJ. It won't be long before John Ashcroft comes a-knocking.

7. A Tesh of Class--If you try to copy one of John Tesh's albums,
the grateful entertainer will personally serenade you. How's THAT
for a deterrent!

6. Recipe for Success--Good luck trying to duplicate Emeril
Lagasse's recipe files. They're scrambled with cheese, onions,
and a smidge of jalapeno pepper. Bam!

5. Don't Call It Art--In a case of life imitating...well, the
movie, Kevin Smith enacts short-lived revenge upon the three
people who bothered to illegally download "Jay and Silent Bob
Strike Back."

4. The Writer Vanishes--"Catcher in the Rye" e-book bears the
following warning: "Don't reprint without permission, or the
author will disappear for 40 years. Again."

3. Misery & Company--Stephen King puts hexes on his e-books.
Before you duplicate them, stock up on charms, crosses, and
silver bullets.

2. A Starry Nightmare--eBay's new "ear-for-an-ear" policy
discourages evil art dealers from selling Van Gogh forgeries.

1. The Bodyguard--Whitney Houston has one of the most terrifying
protection schemes of all. Violate her copyright, and Kevin
Costner will hunt you down and force you to watch "Waterworld."